|Dragonfly at Rest|
What is it about our convictions, vows, or determinations that can actually circumvent the very thing we desire? Some believe its a setup for our own fall so don't bother, just live in each moment to truly enjoy the journey and each surprise that shows up.
I do believe I can struggle with this side of the coin more than the other. Don't plan? Don't set an agenda for a purposed outcome? Are you kidding?!!! Who can live that way? Surprisingly many do and with great rest.
On the other hand, as I let my intent go this summer I felt a certain loss in the outcome. Or is it just the loss of my expectations of the outcome? Hmmmm.
So now that the summer is over and I did not complete my creative courses, or write more pages in my novel, or engage in more BBQ parties in the backyard with friends, I stand at the crossroads. I can either allow personal regret to set in or rest patiently for the next season of surprises. I am choosing rest! I am choosing patience towards what is presented before me in its perfect timing, perspective and presentation instead of what I could push through according to my own agenda. I will allow the spirit to dictate the soul, not the busy mind of my limited perspective.
I am also choosing to look back with gratitude on what I did enjoy, accomplish and engage in. Laughing with my daughter on weekends, watching shooting stars with my best friend, sharing my personal story at campfire to a group of young women while holding a dollar-store sunflower fly-swatter, voicing frustration at a TV screen with my dad over football, and the beautiful quiet mornings on the porch before work. Should there be more than that? Have I become so accustomed to some kind of internal production mode that there has to be more to my summer memories than those?
I am willing to concede I know nothing about what this day should hold, although can still be moved by moments of accomplishments, achieved through my diligence and perseverance. If I don't write, I won't see my novel done. If I don't practice with my camera, I won't become proficient in my photography. If I don't engage in relationships, I won't have any. The challenge then is when and how do I motivate (or not) myself in the flow of my day to engage in these desires? For when I actually take part in their delights I am in bliss, but sometimes the process in getting there is painful!
I know there are those who are not complicated by this quandary. People who live right in my house whom are driven in each moment to accomplish the task, achieve the goal, track their progressive creativity, pursue their relationships diligently. I admire them. I finally concluded though, that I cannot be exactly like them, for my spirit longs for something unique. Something more soft, more blue, more quiet. Moments where just watching geese fly through the air is sufficient for my day's accomplishments. Where a cup of coffee in the early morning is my total achievement. Where a few chosen words on a page will suffice to the completed novel of my heart. Does that make me any less accomplished than the driven spirit? No. Each in its extreme is out of balance. Each has its own dark pits of despair and delights of conquest.
So then my conclusion on this quiet Sunday comes to this: Find my own balance and rest patiently for the soul to quicken. Don't condemn my own heart for either its quiet or its desire to produce. To be at rest with each moments' fullness, then when ready, spread my wings and fly to the stars in whatever task, desire or accomplishment that moment brings. As each moment completes itself perfectly through my poet's soul, I will find rest, for I will be perfectly at peace with my own living compass.
Then of course, finish off the day with a lovely glass of chocolate wine and a soft laugh, just in case I took my day much too thoughtfully!
Until next time,